


as the minute hand ticks by

by deadlikemoi



Category: Star Wars The Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst tossed in for seasoning, Based on a song, F/M, HEA Guaranteed, Space Exploration, a little non-linear, somewhat canon compliant and yet not at the same time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:01:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlikemoi/pseuds/deadlikemoi
Summary: She gets comfortable in the seat set in front of the camera, tugging the blanket up to wrap it around herself even tighter.This is a normal part of her life now.Time to get to it.“Today is Wednesday the third of February, and it’s been nearly a year that you've been away,” her eyes drift up towards the ceiling, an unspoken nod to where he has been. “I don't know how it's possible for me to miss you so much, but I do.”Rey wills herself not to cry, she's still not used to letting other people see her in a vulnerable state—Ben has only witnessed it a few times when he didn't let her play it off as something else.Pressing a button on the remote, a song fills the air. This has become a habit of hers, singing to him. He used to love listening to her sing in the shower or while she attempted to cook.“You can't see me, but you still feel me. I only live in your memories. I mean something, you're everything, you lay me down. Take me there.”
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5
Collections: Solo Love Letters





	as the minute hand ticks by

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be honest when I say that this is a bit of a mess, but the second chapter should (hopefully) be much better now that the world building component is done. I really wanted to write something worthy of you so fingers crossed!

*

**1 March 2021**

“Please.”

He says the word like there is a chance they may be the last he speaks to her. There is something digging away, deep in her chest, as she watches the shuttle continue to board. 

An attendant walks down the stairs to urge him on. 

Her lack of an answer is enough. The pain turns his face into a tragic mask, and she will think about it for years when her eyes close.

*

**3 February 2022**

She gets comfortable in the seat set in front of the camera, tugging the blanket up to wrap it around herself even tighter. 

This is a normal part of her life now. 

Time to get to it. 

“Today is Wednesday the third of February, and it’s been nearly a year that you've been away,” her eyes drift up towards the ceiling, an unspoken nod to where he has been. “I don't know how it's possible for me to miss you so much, but I do.”

Rey wills herself not to cry, she's still not used to letting other people see her in a vulnerable state—Ben has only witnessed it a few times when he didn't let her play it off as something else. 

Pressing a button on the remote, a song fills the air. This has become a habit of hers, singing to him. He used to love listening to her sing in the shower or while she attempted to cook. 

_“You can't see me, but you still feel me. I only live in your memories. I mean something, you're everything, you lay me down. Take me there.”_

*

**22 May 2020**

It isn’t a meet-cute or anything that resembles a collusion of fate like they always write about in romance books. 

It is hell, if she has to be honest. 

Rey never expects that she will find someone who she can stand being around for more than a few hours at a time after dropping an entire tray of plates and glasses, full of food and drinks, on him. 

He is angry, sure, but his anger lasts for a mere moment as he watches her pull back and punch his colleague squarely in the nose. 

There is a lot of blood mixed in with the food on the floor and table after that. 

“That should teach you to _ever_ put your hands on a woman without their express consent,” she spits out at him. 

She doesn't know it then, but apparently she makes quite an impression on him that night. It’s thanks to him that she doesn't lose her job immediately. No, Plutt waits a few weeks so he can watch the horror strike her true. 

Plus the enormous tip he leaves behind is certainly appreciated. 

Rey works a number of odd jobs around town so she can survive another day then a week and hopefully another year on top of all that, too. 

It is entirely possible that their paths have crossed before; while Endor is a major city in the system and a busy thoroughfare, certain people fade into the background forever while others always stand out. 

After that introduction, he is the only person in technicolor in a world set in black and white.

*

**19 July 2020**

There is a rough streak to Ben—not necessarily mean, but he enjoys forcing his finger into every soft spot he can find until it’s all bruised and painful. It has always kept him on top, always on his game, and showing fear among a pack of wild dogs isn’t a smart choice. 

Every date they’d had before was in some dingy diner or a hole in the wall cantina where no one looked at them twice. 

Here, in the heart of Chandrila, where everything is bright and sparkling in its newness, Rey feels like she will never belong. 

If this is the world Ben lives in then she should know now that it will never work between them. 

“You look a million miles away,” he says as his hand wraps around her slim waist. The dress he picked out for her is unlike anything she has ever worn before. 

A small voice in the back of her head whispers that she is an imposter, a girl who plays at being something so utterly different from herself that everyone can see it. 

The gown is an illusion of nude pink tulle carefully draped over her upper body in a way that looks nearly obscene at a quick glance. It is skintight, limiting her use of underwear or lingerie down to… nothing. That is the key to Ben’s continued proximity and why his hands are always on her tonight. 

Not that she is complaining. 

In no time at all, she finds herself addicted to his touch. It’s better than the spice she tried once or that expensive rum he’d brought out on their first date. 

Ben Solo Addicts Anonymous, party of one. 

The fundraiser is packed with so many big name celebrities and powerful people that it makes her head spin. Every time she turns around Ben is introducing her to the mayor or a newly elected judge or the conductor of the symphony. 

There are two people in particular she has been really hoping to avoid.

Snoke and Hux seem to emerge out of the ether, waiting in the background just long enough that she thinks they might steer clear of each other completely. 

“Ah, Solo. I see you found your date for tonight in the red light district.” 

She watches the anger brew strong in him as Ben’s face colors red, but he has to bite down to avoid responding to his boss. If the words came from anyone else, both their face and his fists would be covered in blood. 

But he's powerless against that man in there. 

Rey is seriously considering breaking Snoke’s nose herself, to match Hux’s, but has to settle for walking away to keep her sensibilities. 

“Rey! Wait!” His feet carry him after her quickly enough. There’s a chance she might have gotten away clean if the elevator hadn't closed seconds before she got to the button. 

She’s lived every day of her life knowing that she isn’t much, not really, because her parents didn't even find enough in her to stick around and raise her. There were foster parents, old boyfriends, probably whole groups of people large enough to take over an entire city—maybe this exact city. 

But Ben—so far things seem different with him.

*

**2 June 2020**

“I can't believe you said yes.” His words are directed at her, but get lost in her neck as his lips try to cover all the naked skin there. 

Saying no never occurred to her. She believes herself to be a simple creature; she has everything she needs to exist in its own way, so what is the harm in chasing after what she wants when it also feels necessary? 

His body covers her entirely—she wonders how it’s possible for a human man to be so _big_ —and it doesn’t hit her that the door to her shabby apartment is right there, maybe ten feet from where they stand. 

But he is lost to sensation, given over to it like it's a siren’s call, and Rey wants. Oh, how she wants. 

But wanting is dangerous and she's tried to stop playing with danger. 

“Why don't we go inside?” 

He grunts, and heat coils in her stomach at that sound. “I don't think I can make it.” 

And he's right. His hands are on her thighs, paving the way for the fire in his touch, leaving her to do little else but relax back against the wall and take it. He pushes her dress up enough for him to find the edge of her panties, nearly drenched by now, and move them away to press one thick finger into her. 

Rey doesn't realize that she's moving too—her own hands fumbling at his belt, the button on his pants, the zipper with a frustratingly small zipper pull that she struggles to keep ahold of—and she sighs dreamily when her hand is finally on him, wrapped around him, dragging him closer and closer until she can notch him inside of her cunt. 

He stays almost completely still for a heartbeat, and then he's moving forward to sheath himself inside her until there is no space left between them. 

This isn't her, Rey doesn't do this sort of thing—casual has never really worked for her—but he makes her pulse race in a way that makes it feel a little dangerous, a little bit like jumping into the fire, and she can't help but chase after that. 

“You're enormous, dear god.” 

Her head hits the wall behind her with a deep _thunk_ sound. The small prickle of pain in her head lessens the stretch and the burn and some of the jaw dropping pleasure he gives with every movement. If someone had told her that sex could be like this—this mind numbing, haze inducing, nearly faint worthy euphoria—well, then the years past would've been much different. 

It might be quick after that, for him more than for her, but she isn't bitter about her lack of orgasm. His wracks her body enough that she can nearly feel it spreading through her own body. 

They both rest in that position for however long it takes them to stop shaking. 

“Want to come inside?” Rey asks into his neck.

*

**30 September 2020**

It takes her months to really, fully understand what it is that First Order does. After reading a number of damning articles, Rey shuts off her phone and hunkers down to consider what she's willing to do. 

She needs the time to sort through everything, to have the clarity of mind to make decisions whether they be hard or not. 

Racketeering, bribery, possibly even murder among many other things. 

From what she can gather, Ben isn't implicated in anything, but that doesn't leave his hands exactly clean of it all either. She knows from experience that you can keep your hands clean but still allow all those bad acts to happen without saying a word. 

The harsh beating of a fist at her door makes her nearly scream out in shock. “Rey! I know you're in there.” Another heavy knock ends his sentence and begins the next. “Please, Rey. Please let me see you.” 

He takes to kicking the door next. It's a cheap wood, perhaps not even wood at all, and she worries that he might break the entire door down if he continues with his rage. 

She opens the door to find him wild—hair going every which way, face both pale yet flushed, and he's dressed in clothes that look years old where the fabric stretches taut over his muscles. Overall, it's quite a sight and her heart chooses this moment to pang heavily against her sternum. 

He is the first to speak, “What's going on?” 

She turns away in response, giving her back to him as she walks back to her seat on the floor, resting in front of the table that is covered in newspaper articles. 

“Rey.” It hurts to hear his voice and know how deep it can get. 

“I don't know if I can look at you,” she says to the air.

There is no verbal response, just the beat of his feet on the floor around her until he stops to stand behind her, as still and silent as the dead. 

One of the articles she poured over and read again and again is lifted from the table only to be torn and balled up, thrown away to a corner that gets very little light. 

Then she herself is carried up into his arms, held in a way that won't allow her to fight him. “Is this who you think I am—some gangster in a nice suit? I thought you knew better than that.” 

Her body shakes in his arms, tears that threaten to fall sting her eyes and a lump forms in her throat to block both words and breath. She never expected to love a man like this—enough that the ups and downs are painfully debilitating and make her fear the trouble that the next day might bring. 

“Tell me the truth,” she asks through her tears.

*

**6 October 2020**

News dominates the week following the announcement of possible colonization on a newly discovered planet and the possibility for new shuttles that can carry an excessive amount of fuel—enough to get them there and back without a concern for becoming stranded. 

She has always had dreams of being a pilot and flying away, off into the stars and the great big beyond, but the realities of life saw that dream drift so easily down the drain with every cup of dirty bath water. Reality required her full attention, but at night those dreams took over again. 

The next round of information talks about First Order winning the government contracts and what the next steps are. It gives Snoke a platform like he's never had before, Hux always next to or behind him to chime in on cue. 

“Can you tell us about what's going to happen next?” It's a softball question if she's ever heard one. 

“Absolutely, I can. We have a lot of planning to do, but the first step is finding an able bodied crew to get us there. I have two of my best men on it, so I am very assured that we will find the best.” He smiles then, or attempts to smile, but his face can't really move like any normal person’s can which makes the action disjointed and a little horrific. He's wearing some kind of gold and white sweater that looks like it's a moo-moo or velour track suit instead of a nice suit like the black one Hux is wearing. 

The host nods to Hux before asking “is that this gentleman here?” 

Snoke’s eyes connect with Hux. “One of them, but it's Ben Solo who I’m expecting to work it out or go himself.” 

It takes Rey a long time to digest that sentence fully.

“What did he mean,” she asks one night while she's pressed into his side—his naked skin feels so good against her own, “when he said that you'll go yourself?” 

Ben’s hands are still running over her body, tracing away the sweat that is slowly drying. “Exactly that. If we don't find enough people to man the first shuttle then I will have to go. It's in my contract.” 

Her body stills, blood moving at a glacial pace. “You'll go into space?” She tries not to sound incredulous even though she certainly is. 

“Don't sound so surprised, babe. We’re trained for everything under the sun, always prepared for whatever awaits.”

*

**28 October 2020**

Falling for Ben Solo is easier than she could ever imagine, but loving him is difficult. They fight more often than she'd like—lamps are broken, tears are shed, and yet somehow they never go to bed angry. 

“Why won't you even consider it?” The sun has just set and the remains of dinner sit on their plates, forgotten for the argument that is descending all around them. 

She shakes her head, unable to put together words for a minute. They all sound wrong in her head. “I can’t.” 

“Give me a reason why.”

Her eyes skip around the room, landing everywhere but on him. “You don't get it, and I can't explain it to you.” 

The push of the kitchen chairs against the hardwood floor haunts her, a precursor to his touch—and there it is, his hand cupping her cheek. “ _Try_ , for me, please.” 

“Everything I have, the whole lot of it, I worked and worked and saved for, and it's rightfully mine. I can't change who I am at the drop of a hat, Ben. This is me. Is that good enough or not?” 

There is a battle slowly making its way across his face as his jaw works away. He's done a good job of getting his anger under control, but something about her or them together ignites him in a way that she's never experienced before. It should scare her, if she were anyone else it might, but she knows that he reacts so strongly because he feels so strongly when it comes to her. 

That thought always warms her from the inside out. 

He kneels down before her, burning his face in the t-shirt that covers her stomach. “You already spend most of your nights here, why not officially move in and stop paying rent? We can find a new apartment if you don't like this one or even a house. Would you like that? Say yes, please.” 

She watches the second hand tick by on the massive wall clock and counts away with it. It is so difficult to try and explain a point of view he’ll never understand, but she needs to at least make an attempt at it. He deserves that. 

“My life has been… harder than I can accurately describe. Everything I have is mine because I worked through blood, sweat, and tears to achieve it. I just can't let that go and take advantage of you.” She can't look at him after that, one finger twisting around another as her anxiety takes flight. 

Maybe she expects an immediate response, so she's disappointed by the silence that spreads and spreads until it's wrapped around them. Looking down, she sees recognition take over his face first, followed by a look she can't name or place. 

Ben stands to his full height and takes a step forward, closing the little bit of distance that separates them. “I don't want you to let anything go. Keep it all and bring it all. All I want is you, here, with me, always.”

If all the fight leaves her at that then she really can't be blamed, can she?

*

**1 November 2020**

Ben has nearly eight months left on his lease, but that doesn't stop him from trying to break it before she steps in. He's a ridiculous man, willing to throw away thousands of dollars like it's nothing, and Rey has to make him a deal to make it all stop. 

“You’re insane, do you know that?” It's barely 8:00 AM on a Tuesday morning. They are both lucky to have a planned day off together though it doesn't keep him off his phone. 

He has the audacity to appear offended. “I am not,” he says in response. 

“What's this then?” A legal pad is held high in the air, showing some calculations he’d done as far as a cost-benefit analysis, or so she thought after hearing him throw those words around.

There's a shrug, but no verbal response. She doesn't need one. 

At that moment, he's a big mouse and she's a cat who has gone hungry for far too long. The sun is streaming in through the large windows in the living room, bathing everything in bright light. 

“Have anything to say for yourself?” This time he shakes his head as she slowly saunters over. Her hips swish back and forth while her fingers slip under the waistband of her panties, letting them float down the floor with each step she takes. 

She can feel his eyes on her, moving over her, before she stops in front of him and quickly tosses the white undershirt of his that she's wearing. Now fully naked, she waits a beat and climbs onto his lap, straddling his thighs as her knees fall on either side of him. 

After a jumble of limbs and a few breaths, she falls onto him easily, her body and her heart happy with the effort. He stops trying to find a new place after that.

*

**10 November 2020**

The bad news arrives on a Thursday morning when they're struggling to get out of the door on time. Rey has the television remote in her hand, drinking down the last dregs of her tea, when a breaking news alert stops her in her tracks. 

“This just in! First Order has finally announced the names of the team who will be starting their training in the next few weeks and leaving the planet in two short months. Join us later today for a news conference with CEO Snoke and the whole team including Ben Solo.” 

It's like a car crash in slow motion, or she's sure she'd think so if it happens to anyone else but her. 

“What's this?” 

The bathroom sink is on and he doesn't hear the words, only something being said. He peeks around the corner, toothbrush buzzing as it hangs out of his mouth. “Huh? Did you say something?” 

All it takes is for her to point and he's coming around, looking at a short video of himself standing still while cameras flashes go off by the plenty. “Oh, I, uh—I thought I had some time to break that to you,” he says gently as he rubs at the nape of his neck. 

She really has no idea how the remote ends up embedded in the television screen, no idea at all.

*


End file.
